Like a flame burning away the da rkness
Life is flesh on bone convulsing above the ground

* * * * *
I 'm working on something. it's shit right now, but try it out. noise


the hum of the servers... no wonder i can't sleep at home. i can't convince myself that white noise is noise at all . it's too quite. too calming. t.g. is my server fans, the broken hard drives . not noise at all. the true sound of silence.

what do i do when i don' t want to sleep, though? silence becomes stale... can one scream loud enough to where it is no longer silence? at best white noise? i want to scream louder stil l....

at work


the lix show


i hate netscape 4.77


Sartre just cheers me up sometimes. So fuck off.

You god damned hip sters.


I'm back at green st. coffee house, where I was back at 4:45. i hate sundays. it's the only day of the week that i don't work, but th ere's never anything for me to do. i can't seem to wake myself up. i'm on my sec ond red eye, and i still feel like i should be in bed. it doesn't help that it's sleeting outside. i can't just go walk around without freezing my ass off. i've been so discontent with my socail situation lately... i mean, i *have* no socia l situation. though it's not the end of the world, it makes my days dry, unfull filling. i have every reason to be happy right now, but i have no one to be happ y with. it's irritating. and so what do i do? i complain about to Emacs. what th e fuck.

fuck it. (i always seem to go back to that statement) what i'm w anting never got me anywhere before. it only fucked with my head. i don'e need m y head fucked with again. it's taken me so long to head myself straitened back t o where i am now. i hate the weeks where i think like that... that i need somet hing more, something external. Everything meaningful is internal.

i'm stu ck. i'm lodged in between meaning and existance. there is no meaning, and exista nce just isn't important. so where does that leave me? any where i want, in as m uch as i can forget that whatever i want doesn't matter. i'm stuck.


Last night I couldn't find anything to do. That is, of course, after i got out of work and drank some beer and went out skating with Hapke and walked down to campus to meet with melanie and kristy about some show i'm supposed to be in .... After that, i couldn't find anything to do. i ended up getting coffee with mel and kristy, then getting dragged into their plans to go to the sollerskating rink... why in god's name they wanted to go there i don't know. something abou t reminicing about the 80s... sweat socks spandex skrunchies & bangles, you know ... That idea died when we got to the rink though. it's turned into a gangster s paradise. i've never seen so many 4foot tall gangbangers before. And instead of Cindy lauper it was Nellie. so they decided that they could go miniature golf ing. closed. it's winter... in a roundabout way we ended up at my house listeni ng to my neighbors phone conversations. for a couple of hours. ::sigh:: how fun. mel left after a while. i don't blame her.

after the batteries in my sc anner ran out, kristy and i went to get get some more coffee. When in doubt, go get coffee, that's what i always say. or i think it a lot and i'm saying it now . or i do it and think about it later. either way.... We decided on green st. co ffee house as it was right on.... well... green st. That's normally not such a drawing point, but when the bars on green st. are about to let out... we figure d we could catch some cheep entertainment.

I'm bored with this story. To end it: we sat outside with a sign that said "will answer questions for 5¢". i got $1.35, good conversation, and free pizza from these two girls who were fu nny, intelligent, and attractive. it ended up being the most productive and int eresting day i've had in weeks. my life has become boring.


v0.1 beta begins today.

i ran into one of my highschool english tea chers after an exam on wednesday. we talked for a few minutes.. nothing much mor e than a 'so how've you been? what have you been up to'. it was interesting to s ee him though. he's married now. we used to joke that he'd be single for the res t of his life.

by the time i got to work, i already had an email from him . it contained only one line: 'how do you define music?'. such a stupid question , one i've heard hundreds of times before. but, being as how i didn't have much to think about while at work, i got to thinking about it, picking it apart. i ho nestly don't know how to answer it. i'd have to define sound first, and i've nev er been able too. on the one hand, i don't believe sound exists. it's just an in terpretation of pressure waves that hit our head. on the other, i think that eve rything has it's own particular sound -- something inherant to it, that coexists with it, is caused by it, even causes it. it's like asking 'how do you define a rainbow?'. you can't do it without defining colour.

i can't define colou r either.

i should email him back.